Saturday, November 04, 2006

"i want to drink my wife's breastmilk"

i've been watching my "google analytics" to see what key words and phrases people are using to find my site through google, and apparently there are a lot of guys out there who want to drink their wives' breastmilk. so here is a post for all you guys out there.

it may seem a little strange to you that you are fantasizing about latching on and seeing what it's like, but it's really not all that weird. you've always loved her boobs and now your little son or daughter is hanging on them all day, apparently enjoying him/herself, so naturally you want to see what all the fuss is about, right? really, it's okay. it's not all that weird.

first, though, you'll need to see what your wife thinks about the idea. although your wife might be just dying to have one more mouth sucking the literal life juice out of her body, you can probably assume that she's not. as such, i'd suggest you wait to discuss your newfound interest in dairy until AFTER she has figured out how to breastfeed (it's not as easy as it looks in the movies), AFTER her nipples have healed (if they were cracked or sore), AFTER she's had her 6-week postpartum check up (no sex till then either, guys), AFTER she's maybe gotten some sleep (like when she starts dreaming again), and AFTER she's started showing some interest in you again as a man, not just as a dad. Okay, so maybe this means that you will never get to ask her (I wink, but we all know it's true). But, my basic point is that she might get really pissed off at you if you are drooling all over her boobies when she feels like crap, hasn't slept, is still in pain, and is questioning your abilities as her life partner in this whole parenting thing. there is a point in most nursing moms' lives when they cross over from being a frustrated, confused, exhausted breastfeeder to a relaxed, i-could-breastfeed-and-sow-the-fields-at-the-same-time, breastfeeder. you'll know it when you see it, and that's the time when you too can cross that line into getting in on the action.

if you do find an appropriate time to ask her about it, i suggest you make it sound non-creepy. for example, "this may sound weird, honey, but can i see what it's like for a second?" is much better than "i'm dying to suck on your tits all night like junior does, babe." just let her know that you are interested in seeing what breastmilk tastes like and how breastfeeding might be different than what you normally do when you "suck" on her boobs during regular foreplay. (note #1: your baby is REALLY having at it when he does it, and it's a MUCH different sensation for her) (note #2: no, nursing does not arouse her, or at least not in the way you might think it would)

she will be able to tell you how to do it, and you both can have some fun seeing if it works. you probably will get a few little sips in your mouth. it will be warm and much sweeter-tasting than you may expect. this is when you come off her boob and tell her what it's like. a comment like, "wow, that's sweet" will most likely be appreciated, since moms can be quite defensive and proud about the quality of their milk! then (and this is important), you stop. please do not ask to nurse all night or get a belly full of the liquid gold. first of all, that milk belongs to somebody else (your baby), and second, that's just kind of creepy.

okay, so what do you do if your wife is not really interested in having a grown man belly up to her milk bar? you can suggest instead that you dip a finger in some breastmilk that she's poured into a glass or bowl. that way, you can see what it tastes like without really crossing any weird boundaries. actually, lactation consultants recommend that moms take a taste of their milk so that they know what it tastes and smells like. that way, they'll have a better idea of when their milk has gone "funky" in a bottle (if they pump and store for bottle feedings later).

good luck out there, boys. i'm amazed at how many of you are secretly looking for websites that discuss this issue. it's really not that big of a deal, as long as your wife is cool with it. remember - those jugs are hers. good luck and bottoms up!

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